52 ACRES

“If I do this, promise me that I will still get to see the world. Promise me, that I will get to live and do the things I want as well. Don’t take that away from me”.

I remember asking that repeatedly, because the acres that I was standing on were not what I wanted for my life. I felt everything I ever wanted was over for me and my soul was screaming. I remember telling a close friend that I felt like spiritual Ericka was screaming for help, but her voice was being muffled and I couldn’t make out what she was saying. 

I’M DYING INSIDE…

I helped someone achieve a goal and I felt I would never get what I wanted out of life. I remember feeling sick to my stomach, because I knew that all the money that I helped put on that land was going to go to waste, and it did. It was part of my JOB story of telling God “Let it come to the light, I’m weary”. That land ended up being something that I lost AND I KNEW that it was going to happen, but I continued forward with the motions.

We are put on this earth to be vessels to others; to be of service. But that “service” should never be done so much that you lose your own identity, and that’s what those acres represented to me. A loss of everything I wanted to become. I remember agreeing to it because if I didn’t, it would make other people unhappy. It was a HUGE accomplishment for someone my age. I put on a show that I was “so happy”. It was “my dream”. It was quite pathetic, because there were several moments that I cried and I felt stupid for crying. I felt selfish. I’m getting this land that I didn’t want, but I see happiness on others' faces. However, my soul was not happy. It kept me up at night. It made me restless.

I was dying inside and I felt it. I couldn’t stop from feeling that way, so I became controlling.

Isn’t that interesting how we are inherently programmed as humans to feel bad for wanting things that are intended for ourselves? We often perceive ourselves as selfish or ungrateful when we voice our desires or express a yearning to accomplish personal goals and truly live life to its fullest potential. However, we seem to program ourselves into believing that if those around us are happy and fulfilled, then we should also be content because they have achieved what they wanted. But what about our own needs and aspirations? What about us?

Being a partner, family member, friend, and even co-worker should not come at the significant cost of losing ourselves entirely. Of course, there are various things that you may have to go along with because that’s an essential part of nurturing a healthy relationship. This concept involves compromise and adjustment. However, you should never feel the need to compromise your entire being just to see someone else happy. You shouldn’t lose your dreams, your spirit, or your soul in this process, as what you want and desire should also hold significant value and importance in your life.

Losing that 52 acres was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Although I took a hit financially with the loss of those acres. I gained something more valuable and beautiful. MY IDENTITY. The loss of my identity for so many years turned me into someone that I didn’t recognize. A person I was not raised to be. That was not my previous environments. I was angry, became controlling and had no trust or love from people I was striving to get it from. It was a lonely life. I had resentment because I am helping everyone around me, but no one reached out a hand to help me. No one thought like me. My well was dry as fuck. I had nothing left to give. And still, I told GOD I was going to give it my all to make others happy. I gave until my last drop for others but never myself.

Helping others is great, but we must first help ourselves.

Whether it is a person or a group of individuals, or perhaps even our immediate environment, we should always take a moment to ask ourselves if we truly feel safe and secure, centered, and grounded when we are making and agreeing to important decisions. If the answer is a resounding NO to any of these crucial aspects, we must learn to delve deeper to understand the reasons behind why we feel this way. It could be as simple as needing to discover or learn how to find your voice in challenging situations, or it may be as complex as the profound realization that you have completed a significant chapter in your life, and now you must embrace the opportunity to be set free in order to write your own unique story.

Honor and love yourself, because it starts and ends with you.