WHO HURT YOU DEEP?

I was driving on the interstate and a memory flashed in my mind. I was not surprised that a memory flashed because I was meditating all week. However, this memory was a bit shocking because I had completely forgot out it.

I was a senior in high school and we took a trip with friends to Coletto Creek. I thought I was so cool to be camping and spending the night with my friends.

Not even an hour into the trip I found myself having mud thrown on me while we were in the water. At first it started with the boys throwing mud at all the girls, but I then noticed that their boyfriends told the mud throwers to stop once they realized their girlfriends were getting really upset. But no one stood up for me and the one person that I thought would was the main mud thrower.

Each hit with the mud was starting to hurt and I remember I yelled outloud “STOP IT, FUCK!”. And that one person that I thought would read all my verbal queues had a smirk on his face. I knew what was about to happen. I saw him reach down in the water and I just braced myself. I turned my back and he hit me so hard with the mud that I felt I was hit by a softball in the back of my head. I felt like he purposely probably put a rock in it because it hurt so hard. Of course I can’t confirm if there was a rock that hit me but the mud slinging was with force and such aggression and it was at my expense because he had an audience that was laughing.

I was ABSOLUTELY humiliated. I remember I separated myself from the group and sat in my friend’s car thinking to myself that I wish I had left with one of my friends that could not spend the night. She had already left. I should have went with her. I also wished that she was there when it happened because I know she would have immediately jumped to my defense. But I had no one.

I couldn’t believe that someone whom I brought into the group of friends I had would take the chance to make me look bad. That honestly was my one of many red flags that I should have took note of and acted on.

NOTHING HAPPENED… I’M TOO SENSITIVE

I was so mortified and so hurt. I am actually embarrassed and feel squeamish at the thought of the incident and of me admitting that I was hurt and embarrassed.

Anyway, I realized that there was nothing I could do. I could not get a ride back home, I had no cell phone and I was literally stuck there and needed to make the best of the time. I walked up to him and asked him why did he humiliate me like that and why did he continue throwing mud at me. He told me that everyone else was doing it so what was the big deal. My point I was trying to make was that eventually everyone’s boyfriend stood up for their girlfriend but I was left to the firing squad… LITERALLY. I tried to explain that I was hurt and I had tears in my eyes when talking to this person. I told him that my head was throbbing and he said again “everyone was doing it”.

I was made to think that I was just being dramatic so I convinced myself that nothing happened (me doing this started a horrible habit that lasted for many years) and I probably ended up having sex with him after that. I’m pretty sure I did that night.

THE PATTERN OF MUD

When that memory surfaced in my head I cried tears for young Ericka. The Ericka with low self esteem. The Ericka who had childhood traumas and carried that into this situation with this person and all this mud. I cried tears for her for not knowing her worth and not realizing that she was MORE THAN ENOUGH. The pattern about this mud throwing is that very day this person showed me their true colors towards me and they remained consistent with it for over a decade. Comparing that situation and the emotions I felt; they are identical to what else I experienced.

1. If this person felt that they could “look good” in ANY capacity; the loyalty to me went out the window (it actually was never there) at any costs. I would be betrayed in the most horrific ways just so that this person could look or sound cool.

2. My self esteem was so low that even when I was humiliated I tried to convince myself that it never happened because I was always down played. I convinced myself that this person was someone totally different, until I couldn’t pretend anymore. I was humiliated and laughed out on the phone so many times behind the scenes because their were multiple 3rd parties who mocked me including this person.

3. This person NEVER stood up for me. EVER. Never respected or honored me. They always talked about me behind my back and when something would happen (like an arguement) I was told “I hate you” and I had no clue where it would come from because this person would tell me how much they loved me and how I hung the moon in their eyes, but apparently they told other people they were miserable and hated me.

4. It didn’t matter the cost. It didn’t matter how much I would beg and plead to please stop. This person LOVED to hurt me and get pleasure out of deep pain that I suffered. When I mentioned earlier that they laughed at my pain. They LITERALLY laughed at my pain. EVERY SINGLE TIME. It caused so much trauma that I was diagnosed with PTSD and suffered some memory loss. I just dealt with it and I was happy because I went so long pretending that this person was loving, respectful and honorable to me so what’s a little memory loss right? It’s my specialty to FORGET THAT IT NEVER HAPPENED.

5. I WAS ALWAYS AFRAID in any situation, especially when alcohol was involved that I would end up with MUD on me again, figurately speaking. I was so paranoid. I knew I didn’t trust this person but I also was pretending that this person was all the traits I wanted so the character traits that surfaced to help make things “easier” for me was ANGER, EXTREME CONTROL, NAGGING, MANIPULATION to get my way. It was pretty pathetic. Not my strongest moment but I’m definitely not those things anymore. Thank GOD.

6. I was used and when this person got what they wanted (or at least feel like they could find better because they rode my coat tails off) I was left with mud in my hair and on my face. ALWAYS.

So, I cried for the old Ericka who didn’t know any better. She just wanted to be loved, honored and respected and didn’t realize that she had to love herself first. The beautiful thing about this story is that although my journey with that person ended many years ago, I have the most love in my heart for him. I thank GOD for the lesson and experiences. I definitely stand up for myself in relationships, but honestly… I don’t have to do that anymore because whether I am physically present or not I NEVER have to question anyone’s absolute love and respect for me. If I am upset I can talk to and my feelings are validated. My privacy is kept sacred and it is so nice to be in this place. It’s one of the things that I have only ever wanted. Thank you, God. So much!

This journal entry is to have you reflect back at the mud that has been thrown on you. Honor the person who didn’t know better and release it to the GOD. Allow yourself to cry if you need to and honor who you have become. If you are currently in this situation, and you are at a crossroad where you have to make a decision, think of having mud thrown on you and how you’d feel. Think of all the situations were this person has showed you who they truly are. Has this person been consistent with their pattern of mud? If so, then this is your sign that the only one who needs to change is you. I’ll pray with you.

LORD, thank you for the mud. Thank you for the pattern of mud and my growth. You are the potter and I am the clay. This experience with the mud has molded me and I realize that without these experiences I would not be who I am today. I thank you for the lesson and I forgive the mud thrower(s). Please forgive me for any part that I took in the mud throwing that does not reflect YOU and who you want me to be.

I love my mud thrower(s) and I release them to you as well as that experience; it has served its purpose. Lord, wrap me in your arms because I need to love myself. I need to be shown how to love myself and I am ready to release whomever you see fit so that I can reach my highest self. Thank you for the new friends and LOVE that you bring into my life. Thank you for the peace, joy and respect these people show and give to me. Thank you for the new memories and thank you for washing away the old memories and all the mud off my face and out of my hair. AMEN.