Am I seriously crying over a bowl of tomato fucking soup?

As I walked out of the kitchen I realized that it had marked 30 days that I had cried at least once per day. And why? I have a happy life and I live in a gratitude state but I still cried once a day. And this was not a cry that lasted it’s usual 2 minutes. This cry continued on for at least 12 hours. It was so intense that I decided around 10:30pm I would sit in my closet on the floor in total darkness and allow myself some privacy and space.

“Tears are healing…”

Tears are healing and cleansing. This I understand but at the same time I was thinking “fuck that, maybe I should call my therapist because something is clearly wrong with me”. Although I had cried for 30 days, I didn’t call my therapist. I just allowed myself that space. I had to meditate and allow myself to go deep. Why was I crying?

I realized that I was crying because there were so many things that I was embarrassed about. Things that I felt I healed from that had all of a sudden resurfaced in my conscious mind giving me all these painful memories.

I was embarrassed because I wish I knew at a certain time how to eat healthy and workout. Maybe I wouldn’t have had certain health problems that I had. I wish I had the motivation to fight for myself back then. I was embarrassed because I put myself in a personal situation that I should have never been in. I remembered all of the turmoil that surrounded my life for a period of time. I don’t even know who that person was back then because I am my true self now.

I was even embarrassed that I pretended to not like watermelon to fit in a certain group (the group actually liked watermelon) but I wanted to not be attached to the stereotype they tried to attach me to. I was embarrassed that I didn’t speak up and say who I really was and fight for myself more. I cared more about doing things for other people so much that I didn’t even care about myself. I was embarrassed about my rock bottom that I was in for over 15 years.

During this time, the 30 days, I was also doing work with my Solar Plexus and I realized speaking with clients that they also got to this stage when the energy that was blocked in that region started to flow. I realized that although I was embarrassed it did not mean that there was more work I needed to do it was me mourning that girl that I was out of COMPLETE SURVIVAL.

When we reach this point of healing there will be so many emotions that come up and you have a choice. It puts you at a crossroad because you can either go left and stay in that emotion and allow yourself to disregard all the work you have done to heal and spiral or you can go right and allow yourself that space to mourn that younger version of yourself but also be grateful for all the hard work you have done, the growth and the place that you are in now. It is truly your choice.

I allowed myself that time and space and dealt with those emotions that was brewing from the energy work I was doing. I healed and allowed that energy to flow through me. It is so important that we allow energy to flow through us and not block it by holding on to it.

So, that’s what I did. I had a breakdown over tomato soup and came out of it a stronger more vibrant person!

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