40 DAYS + 40 NIGHTS
Family dynamics are never easy. Of course some people get the “white picket fence” relationship with their parents and that’s always a great thing to see, but some people don’t get that experience and the lack of having missed out on those relationships could affect you later on in life. So, how do you move forward and forgive when you may be holding resentment in your heart?
Once you identify what role that person will play in your life things can become better for you. You have to open up your heart up to see that other person for who they are and honor them, their personal life experiences because that will help you gain understanding.
MY REFLECTION
My dad has a unique personality. He has an extremely rough exterior and I am not sure where that stems from. I have my own personal opinions that I will explain later but he is actually a kind and loving person.
When I was younger, I always wanted to be a daddy’s girl. I never got to have that experience that I wanted and that sucks because I truly wanted my father experience to be similiar to Uncle Phil, Carl Winslow and the version of Bill Cosby on TV. However, I don’t think anyone gets that experience because life happens and as a parent myself, I realize that we don’t always make the best decisions. But if you are aligned, you can acknowledge where you fell short and correct that. That is really important for children to see because if they live in a home where no one takes accountability and there are no real actions to correct behavior, then you may notice when those children grow up they mirror that same behavior, which could cause a generation of destruction.
When I grew older, there became a time in my life where being able to tolerate my dad was so difficult. So, I just put in my mind that I didn’t like him and now I feel so bad about even thinking that. Of course, I was young so I didn’t have the understanding that I do now.
Let me say that my dad never physically abused me but emotionally and mentally he did not meet what I needed as a child. And although I make no excuses, I do understand him being afraid to be close to his children when he lost 4 of them at early ages. Most people would say “well, wouldn’t you want to be close to your children after experiencing that much loss?” and I would say that everyone is different and fear can make react in ways that are not always the best.
When I was in my early 30’s (I think I was actually 29), I had a memory of my dad that I will never forget and will cherish for the rest of my life.
I saw my dad fast for 40 days and 40 nights when I was younger. I honestly think I was between 18-20 years old. All he took were his vitamins and drank water. I remember my mom being so concerned for him and I remember my dad truly taking charge over his flesh. He prayed all day and night and I’m sure there were many private conversations with God during that time and much repetence. I remember seeing my dad flat on his face in prayer at night. I seriously thought he passed out.
For me to see that, it was scary. And to see my dad become smaller in size each day due to not having food was scary as well because I did not have a deep understanding. You see, it was my dad’s desire to be closer to GOD and to let his flesh die. He did such a great job and completed the 40 days and 40 nights fast. And it didn’t matter how many times he was told to stop and was reminded that he was not Jesus and could not do that, his response is that he wanted to be close to God and be Christ-like. He fought past all the smells of food my mom made for us and voices of men. He controled his flesh to be close to GOD.
So, because I had that memory of him fasting I held on to that when interacting with him and used that to control my reactions. Now, of course I fell short sometimes and did not always act in a loving way; like I said, he has a unique personality. But what I saw was a person who knew he was not perfect and because of his life experiences with losing 4 children and one of them being an infant and dying in such a horrific way, losing his mother who spoiled him well into his 30’s and 40’s and was also his best friend; there just has been so much loss in his life and such heartache, and that for me… I forgave him with love in my heart.
I’ve never felt the need to throw in his face what is in the past because that memory alone of him fasting became enough to change MY HEART. I knew he was well aware of where he fell short. And I KNOW that deeply hurts him and he is trying to make the best of things now. So, why would I need to throw anything in his face to hurt him? He has already experienced so much loss. Why dig the knife further?
I recently spoke with him about my ancestry on his side and he told me so many things I had no idea about. And learning these things helped me have a deeper understanding of his thinking and further confirmed what I already knew of his life experiences.
It’s so interesting because once I changed my energy and gained understanding for myself (not for him), I would have to say that I have the best dad. There was no deep conversations I needed to have with him. I just truly changed my heart (and that took a while but I kept trying) and I set boundaries for myself, in general, on what I will allow to be said to me or around by anyone.
My dad is perfectly imperfect. To truly know him is to love him and I am so glad to still have the opportunity to not experience the “TV dad” I wanted but the dad I truly needed. I also truly feel that during his 40 day and 40 night fast, he prayed for his children. And I pray that he sees the fruits of his prayers because we are all pretty awesome.
If you have a parent dynamic that is challenging at times due to personality conflicts, I encourage you to search in your heart to have understanding and repair YOUR HEART. Once you do that, take note of how dynamic changes. But do it for yourself and with no expectation, other than to heal yourself.
Cheers to my dad who knows the bible word for word, knows all his children and family member’s birthdays and addresses (ha!), who was the coldest jazz band saxophone player and who in another lifetime was definitely a politician. Cheers to the dad who smiled when I walked through the door at Thanksgiving, who is the 1st person to text me on my birthday and other holidays now and to the dad that stood 10 toes when I was mistreated and was dealing with my mental health. My dad, who has the best singing voice and who is extremely intelligent. My dad, with the softest eyes and kindest smile. I love you.
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