52 ACRES

“If I do this, promise me that I will still get to see the world. Promise me that I will get to live and do the things I want as well. Don’t take that away from me”.

I remember asking that repeatedly, because the acres that I was standing on were not what I wanted for my life. I felt everything I ever wanted was over for me and my soul was screaming. I remember telling a close friend that I felt like spiritual Ericka was screaming for help, but her voice was being muffled and I couldn’t make out what she was saying. 

I was dying inside and I felt it. I couldn’t stop from feeling that way, so I became controlling.

Isn’t that interesting how we are programmed as humans to feel bad for wanting things for ourselves? We feel selfish or ungrateful for voicing that we also want to accomplish goals and live life to our fullest, but we program ourselves to believe that if others around us are happy, then we should be happy because they got what they want. What about us?

Being a partner, family member, friend, and even co-worker should not come at the cost of losing ourselves. Of course there are things that you will have to go along with because that’s part of a relationship. Compromise. But you should never compromise your entire being to see someone else happy. You shouldn’t lose your dreams, your spirit or soul in the process, and what you want should also matter.

Losing that 52 acres was the best thing that has ever happened to me. Although I took a hit financially with the loss of those acres. I gained something more valuable and beautiful. MY IDENTITY. The loss of my identity for so many years turned me into someone that I didn’t recognize. A person I was not raised to be. That was not my previous environments. I was angry, became controlling and had no trust or love from people I was striving to get it from. It was a lonely life. I had resentment because I am helping everyone around me, but no one reached out a hand to help me. No one thought like me. My well was dry as fuck. I had nothing left to give. And still, I told GOD I was going to give it my all to make others happy. I gave until my last drop for others but never myself.

Helping others is great, but we must first help ourselves.

Whether it is a person(s) or environment, we should always ask ourselves if we feel safe + secure, centered and grounded when making and agreeing to decisions. If the answer is NO to any of those, we have to learn to get to the reason on why we feel this way. It could be as simple as needing/learning to find your voice in situations or as complex as realizing that you have finished a book in your life and now you must be set free to write your own book.

Honor and love yourself, because it starts and ends with you.